The check-in kiosks were new and unfamiliar, and neither they nor the security scanners liked my passport, which had developed a mark of some sort on the photo page.

The Baggage Check hall was full of passengers, more new machinery, several processing lines — only one of them open — and quite a long queue.

But we made it to the front and grabbed some trays. I took out my iPad and iPhone, my power pack too, and chucked my backpack in another tray. I took off my brand new vest with its sixteen pockets — “It’s not Rocket Science, it’s Pocket Science!” — and headed for the metal detector.

And I set the thing off. Of course I did. I have metal knees.

So I had to go through the special machine where you put your hands above your head and they look at your privates.

The results were very suspicious. The man was concerned about dodgy looking patches on the read-out, which he showed to me. He wanted to pat me down. One patch turned out to be my handkerchief. I held it in my hand so he could pat me down again. The other patch was more suspicious. I’d forgotten to put my AirPods in the tray, so I held them in my other hand and he continued patting, including around my knees — just in case.

“You’re OK,” he said, but, being thorough — he said he wasn’t qualified to approve electronics — he sent my little AirPods back to the scanner and me back through the metal detector — just in case — which again my knees set off. And then he disappeared.

Meanwhile Heather was calling out to me. From a distance she looked, like me, a little stressed. Her pack was being searched and they’d confiscated her Chai spices — unsurprisingly, since she’d brought enough to bring down the plane — and all her AA batteries, because she’d opened the pack. Another man with a Freyburg mustache wanted to know where her husband was so he could search mine too.

“Hang on, Heather, I’m looking for my — what’s-its-name — my AirPods!” I called. Well yelled, possibly, with my arms still out in both directions, and no sign of my little AirPods case.

Finally a uniformed, matronly woman with a severe look brought them over and suggested that I behave myself. I fronted up to the man with the military moustache and waited — “Behind the line!” he barked — while he looked through my stuff, thinking, “What is it with these people?” My carry-on was packed tight with a change of clothing in Singapore, medications for six weeks, adaptors for three countries and multiple socket possibilities.

It wasn’t the first or last time I wondered whether it wouldn’t have been helpful if the Thais had been colonised — at least they’d have been forced to settle for just one type of electrical outlet.

The Military Moustache was suspicious of my power pack and spent a while peering at the specifications, and like me had trouble reading them. Finally he decided everything was OK and tried to get everything back in the pack. I could have told him that that would be difficult too, and in the end he just piled everything up and said I could have it back.

I reached across to collect it, at which he barked “Back behind the line!” again and pointed me in the right direction.

Happy to oblige.

After re-packing we moved on to the shopping opportunities. All we wanted was a place to sit and a cup of coffee while we waited. Which was a good thing because almost everything was closed, and if not was about to be — the echoing concourse empty of pretty much everything except wandering passengers waiting for our flight.

Sure it was almost midnight, but the only place that’s felt emptier than this was a stop-over we did in Nauru back in 1980, where they had to clear the runway of livestock before planes could taxi, take off and land. Or another time in the 80s, waiting for a flight out of Nuku’alofa, I think, when they turned out the terminal lights. It wouldn’t have been particularly surprising if they’d switched them off here too.

We found an Ugly Bagel place that was open and asked if they could do coffee. No, the machine was turned off, but they could do tea. Fabulous, that was what we really wanted.

The toilets were open, and, by the time we reached our Gate, it was too.